I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
