Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
