I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
