Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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