hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize