My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
