Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
