i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
