Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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