Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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