her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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