I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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