Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
