i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
