Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
