i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
