Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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