No stitches, just platelets and will power
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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