Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
