how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
