I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
