Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im holly from the hills drunk
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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