i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
