he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize