thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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