I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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