Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
