i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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