May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
