she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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