you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
