I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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