Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
