just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
