respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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