I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
