I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
