omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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