If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
