Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
zippers are such a cool invention
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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