she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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