just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
