Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
