i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
