so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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