I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
