I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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