This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
