i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you win again, gameday.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
