if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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