Are we in a gay sports bar?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
