who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
