Girls should come with a carfax report
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
