i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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