I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
