someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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