I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
