She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize