I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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