My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
