Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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